Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
